18/8

祝我，生日, 快乐!

26/7/2017

82 days since.

Never could actually comprehend how time just passes by so quickly.

I have been on a journey to fix myself, to make myself a better person.
And I've discovered so many amazing truths about life and perspective. So many amazing things that I just picked up my phone and wanted to share with you excitedly.
Time after time, I deleted words I've typed.

As much as I want to be there for you, to motivate you, to be there to tell you it's okay we can do it step by step, to let you squeeze my cheeks.

Loving someone means letting them go as well. I pray you will find peace within you and one day stand as the strong person you were.

Almost there

Looking at the column, you said you needed someone as much as coffee is essential to your life.

That got my heart and brain racing again.

4 a.m.

I had no idea I'd suddenly wake up at 4 a.m.

It's been so long since we talked. The questions I wanted to ask now had become sort of redundant. The hope of "someday things will just patch up" has become something rather unreachable.
It feels like you've totally uprooted me from your life. Just like I'm some kind of weed which will just take up too much of your life, nutrients and time.
Everything I do and every conversation I have tend to subconsciously controlled. I want to look for familiarity and belonging. I want to talk to people around you, just to know how you are recently. I want to talk to them about how wonderful you are, or were.

Yet I couldn't handle the familiarity sometimes. Seeing you seeing me and then just walking away. That tears me apart. Maybe it does to you too.
Is that what you're doing?

As I lay here in my bed tonight, there is nothing except you in my thoughts. People say that there are good days and bad days. I guess now is a bad day.

I really miss you. I really still love you.

12/6

Thinking whether I should buy this?

11/6

It's so hard to pen this down now. I don't know the purpose of writing this down. Showing to the world that I love? I care? I need? I want?
Twice this morning I was awoke by the same dream: you were dating a girl and getting married with her soon.
Her name was even told. I'd say that it was the surname that was not encouraged in your family, and her name is Mei Ting.
Your mum approves and said she has a pretty name.
She's prettier than me, taller than you, slimmer than me and smarter I guess. Most of all, she's gentler than I am.
I saw the girl too, whom you liked before we met.

I guess it's just impossible now to be cold hearted towards you.

4/6

If you're here, just read what I have to say.

It's about a month now since we parted.
So weird to know that I have to be apart from you.

Yes, I do agree that every couple has their ups and downs.
Yes, I do agree that everyone has their ups and downs as well.
Yes, I do agree that everyone gets carried away sometimes, especially in a city where we stay.

Everyday, waking up is the most challenging. And I'm not lying when I say that you are in my dream, almost every single night.
It's challenging because the feeling is real in my dream; it's challenging because I could hold you again; it's challenging because at the end, it's so difficult to wake up.

I'm an expressive person: I always write my emotions on my face, I always sound different when I'm emotional. I think that has really affected you.

Remember that time in campus, the rainy night when you sheltered me from the rain? That night, I have decided that you would be the one I'll step into the next phase of life with, the one I'll hold onto forever.

I have to let you go cause you're in pain. I think it's not important to know exactly why. Whether you're trapped in your stresses, or if I'm not caring and considerate enough. I want you to take the time to heal yourself. I want you to take the time to be happy again. Cause knowing that you are happy inside will truly allow you to love again, and to bring happiness to people around you.

Letting go is the most difficult part cause it's saying goodbye to comfort, saying goodbye to familiarity, saying goodbye to your heart's belonging.
Ironically, this is how people learn.

I hope you realise that all of this is a process. We are both smart people, and you should know we did not say "yes" to this Ride of Life without knowing, really, that we'd make it to the end.

As much as I know that you are probably trying to "unlove" me to get over the problems in your head, there's always pasta waiting for you at my place. I pray that you will have the strength to face your fears, and you gotta know that everything can be solved, eventually.

I certainly went overboard when we talked. I am deeply sorry if my words have hurt you.

You were always my sunshine, my strength, my confidence booster. I'm sorry if I couldn't be the same for you, cause you're a much better "giver" than I am. And for that, I'm thankful. Cause who else will love my chubby cheeks, huge ass and fluffy tuft?

I always felt that sticking together with your loved one would help much in solving problems. However, I might be wrong this time, and I should have realised it earlier when you talked about having your own Soho to be your solitary spot.

You are a brilliant guy, smart, humorous, diligent and creative. Don't doubt yourself on these awesome qualities.

Koala will always wait for you.

A week to go

Definitely was a crazy week! Constantly driving and so many meetings to attend, so much work to be done!
And all this is kinda helpful in slowing down my thinking process, which makes my thoughts clearer and we'll constructed.

What should I get for you for your big day?

😎

13/5/2017

Life hasn't been normal since May.

Everybody would love the thought of having a normal life, cause it would be so easy. No ups and downs, no challenges, no heartbreaks, no tough decisions to make.

Life is different. Everything happens and everything can change.

It's scary to acknowledge the fact that we are all still growing up, the fact that we have to better selves, not in comparison to others but to our yesterdays.
When two people commit to a similar cause, they have to embrace the challenges that come up, be it internally, externally, interpersonal or intrapersonal.

Nothing is better than knowing that someone is always there and has your back. I admit that I did wrong on this, cause I always had to be the one who has to take care of my own back.

Nothing is better than knowing that you're always on his mind. You are always on mine, and there not one day that I not wish to live with you and never be separated again.

Nothing is better than knowing that he is always forgiving and kind and generous and considerate. You have taught me to treat each and every person equally, nicely; something that I've never been good at.

Please come back. My heart aches every time I think of you, and I can't breathe properly without choking every time I think about us.

Please give us a chance to fix this.

I am sorry.

Mia & Seb

I have no idea I'd be returning here after almost a year absent.

I don't know if you still read my blog?

If there was 1 movie that I would regret my life not watching, it must be La La Land.
Thank God I managed to watch it before it is no longer showing in the cinema.

P/S: as I am writing now, I am listening to Mia & Seb's Theme by Justin Hurwitz. And oh my I still have teary eyes. It is terribly GOOD.

So yeah, I broke down many more times than I'd expected. I bet it's cause I felt strangely, deeply connected to this movie. And I'd say it: this movie deserves so much more recognition, much more Oscars than it has.

I thought the whole movie plot, setting and twists were way higher than brilliant.

I actually saw myself in Mia: the girl who had a great aunt and secretly intended (when she was young) and then grew up to follow her dream which ran parallel with her aunt - to be an actress. I wanted to, like her, go after my dream. I was sad because I no longer really know what my "original" dream was. She was something I wasn't: she had a dream and kept working for it; I might have just forgotten mine, or like Seb, I have pardoned my dream in exchange for a good landing job and to meet people's expectations.

Mia & Seb's came out 3 times
Damn I just cried

Mia & Seb's theme appeared 3 times. 3 different occasions. I cried a lot at the 3rd time.

I almost murdered my heart at the plot twist(s). Everything that could have been right, went wrong. This IS the hard truth of reality.

The fact is, 2 people can be wildly, crazily, sincerely, madly, strongly in love, but there is nothing worse than having to see either one moving on (and away) from the other, with much success, new love and his/her own family.

My thoughts are stirred by this movie.

Thumbs up to the director, the producer, the cast director, the musicians, the cast. I would never think of any more smart way to bring back old classic movies and fight for the spirit of jazz,

A thing or two to learn from Mia:
1. Never stop reaching for your dream.
2. You can't learn to love something unless you really understand it.
3. Don't waste your time and your parents' money doing something that will distract you from your dream.

I LOVE LA LA LAND

Mia: I'm always gonna love you.

Sebastian: I'm always gonna love you, too.

Finding myself

It's 2.52 a.m. and I don't feel sleepy at all (though I know I'm in for a tough day tomorrow if I resist sleeping tonight)
Yours truly has been through a rather peaceful fight. Not only with the beloved, but against myself, the most.
WHO have I become? It would be bloody obvious to people around me, who have not yet found the urgency or even guts to tell me, because I'm too high up. What was I thinking?
I have become unfriendly, giving everyone the same treatment that I give to arrogant, nasty and poor-mannered customers that I deal with daily. Now I know I am wrong. I did notice it, just didn't make any effort to shake that attitude off after working hours.
I did not make enough effort to be close to people that I rarely see. Probably at most 2 times a year. I was playing too egoistic. I am sorry because I made the situation awkward and made you feel disappointed, once again. I always have the impression: it's ok la, I will see them for the rest of my life. But wrong! (STUPID ME!) How will I still be in the rest of their lives if I can even treat them well from the beginning?
Even worse, I treated you like I was a jerk. I took it for granted that you would always forgive me and ignore my flaws. I blamed you for not making effort in our relationship but guess what, I think I am to take the bigger part of the blame. Why is it that I could not have given you an answer or solution to the problem that we are facing? I think it's because I am indeed too ignorant to our problems and not working hard enough to maintain our relationship.
As a person, I realise now that I've slowly turned into a disgusting bitch. I hate it when people mess up my things, I hate it when people don't return my friendliness, I hate it most when people fake their friendliness. But come to think of it, these are around 25% of the people that I meet everyday, I have been extremely (morally) wrong to stereotype and become city-unfriendly-ugly-bitch by un-nicely treating people. Including my parents, my family and the beloved. Sorry.
Upbringing affects two people so much, too much it almost murdered our relationship. To be in another family's house and trying to take in the differences, embrace them and to accept them, is not that easy, especially when it is almost the opposite with what happens at your own home. Of course, no one side is correct, but I will try harder!
There are so many things that I think too much (or worry) about that I finally, tonight (or rather today since it's already 3.28 a.m. already haha), finally could really understand and grasp that the fact is, if I am a happy person, beloved will be a happy person, beloved's family will be a happy family and plans will just go on smoothly. So it has to go back to the basic: resetting myself to restore defaults. HAVE TO.
And it's true, most importantly, I was wrong to keep you at the centre of my life. I'm not saying that I should not, but I have been over-relying on you, beloved, and I understand now that I'm slowly suffocating you, or am already suffocating you.
Lastly, you are the one that I really consider as family. Before we met, I was sure that nobody was going to be able to effortlessly dim down my ego and pride. You came into my life as a rainbow. Of course we had hard times, but on top of it, we have had crazy good times too! And I am forever grateful of getting the chance after the stupid 1-month waiting period to exist, till now, your girlfriend. And for that, you have changed me to a better person, no lie.
I would not say that I come from a perfect family as well, but you gave me warmth, happiness and bliss that I have never felt before. Perhaps it's common to a lot of other people but I appreciate (or rather I would say, will appreciate even much more from now on) that you are by far the man that I would not want to miss, at all.
Beloved, I'm not asking you to forgive me now, I know that I have a lot of work to do: soul searching. I too, miss the times that we used to have. I hope everything will go smoothly and we will be fine.

If lovers didn’t fight,
Love would not have existed.
In love, you need to indulge in fights-
Be a little louder than usual,
Complain, argue
Cry.
Do the fiercest of things
Shut room doors randomly,
Sit alone,
Make single coffees,
Read books pretentiously,
Die out of jealousy
And go crazy
Beyond cardiac and cranial responsibilities.
And once you have released
All the anger and fury,
Love will bind you back,
Love promises to bind you back,
Stitch your pages
Into a book.
This will happen,
This needs to happen.
For,
Love
Demands
Everything.
And, everything includes both
The Good
And the Bad-
And that is why
Love is
Everything.
That is why,
When lovers fight,
The fight ends with a
Criminal
“I love you.”
And that is why,
Love is love
And not anything else.
But remember-
If lovers didn’t fight,
Love wouldn’t have existed.

— Mui aka saintbrush.com

And for that, I love you

5/9/2015

Crossing the road.
Making breakfast.
Doing lab work.
Going for lunch.
Coming back from work.
Making dinner.
Cleaning up dishes.
Washing clothes.
Refilling water.
Going for piano classes.
Going for grocery shopping.
Working out.
Swimming. (Or rather, teaching you how to swim)

All this will revert back to me.

Oh boy, how much I will miss you when you're away!

I did not intend for the post to be sad, I just want to tell you how much I will miss you tomorrow night onward!

You have been the perfect guy for the past 12 weeks; yes we have had our bad times, but they are still perfect, because life is all ups and downs, and how we endure them.

We have done crazy things together, romantic things together, exciting and spontaneous things together, and I appreciate you being there for every moment that we will cherish.

I thank God for the 3 months that we get to spend together: a glimpse into our future! :P

I know the subsequent 1 year will be a challenge to us because you and I will both get busier, but guess what? We are so gonna make it through babeh! Because I have faith in us.

I admit there were times that I have been ridiculously stubborn or too egoistic, and I am sorry. Thank you for scolding me and teaching me to become a better person. On the outside I may look as if I'm always a bright cheerful person, but only you know what I have sealed up inside my heart.

Every time you turn away and walk towards the lift, to go up to your unit, I would just stand there and watch. Maybe yearning for you to turn back and just give me another hug. Although I know another hug would probably send me some tears. Haha!

I am happy that you have learnt quite a lot of skills from these 12 weeks, I really hope that you'll excel in your final year, and make yourself proud. I am always proud of you: of who you are and what kind of person you can become.

I love you, always, TTY.

<3 p="">

我只是一个感情特别丰富的哭包。

那是因为什么，其实我也不懂。或许突然感觉到"见一次就等于少一次见面的机会"。

真想让自己坚强一些，也别再那么我行我素了。

我爱你。

28APR

The excruciating one month has finally passed.

And we made it! :D

I said that I would be extremely grateful if you stayed, and I really feel so. And blessed. And all the good feelings.

TTY, no words can exactly describe what or who you are to me. You are much more than important in my life and I hope that I can always bring you happiness, share your sadness and be your support when you feel weary.

For I, love you, always.

The Trip

I guess sometimes people have to grow up, the hard way.

Traveling alone - I did it. It's not entirely difficult, physically, but it held a certain level of difficulty, emotionally.
If you're traveling and meeting someone, I bet it'd be a great feeling, anticipation and excitement at once.
I really don't mind going all out just to see you and spend time with you.

I'm using 'you' because I know you'll be seeing this post, sooner or later.

I just want to remind you that I really love you. And nothing could pain me as much as the truth that you finally told.
Of course I'm relieved that you let your thoughts out; I know how toxic it can be to your heart if you keep everything inside. Thank you for trusting me.
I awoke in the middle of the night, not knowing what to do but shed tears. You looked so at peace and I just really didn't want to spoil that.
I felt that you were shying away from me gradually recently but i didn't want to stick long to that thought. Cause i know that you loved me still. Or not?
Of all things that humans need to live, I need you. I am certain that you are the source of happiness.
I am not in the position to ask you to stay, but if you would, it would certainly be wonderful. And i would be ever thankful.

You are a big part of my life. I love you.

You are and will always be my love, my energy to move forward.

Despite the row we just had, i still love you, with all i have.

It aches my heart when i don't know whether you're sad that we need to come across this situation.

When 2 hearts so close all the while suddenly have dissimilar thoughts and feelings, at least one will not feel good.

Always think that i should not over think things, which is extremely hard for a thinker like me.

It's like asking a... well, i can't find any synonymous description to this.

New year. Didn't exactly start out smooth.

9/9/14

Extremely long time since I've been here.

Reason: yourstruly has been busy with post-finishing-course (can't call it graduation cause I'm not officially a 'graduate' just yet) stuff. Got a few interviews, some with BIG companies, some with small ones, but yeah finally got into PPUM as an RA.

So before getting the job in PPUM, I was waiting for replies, hence, picked up a part-time job at a pharmacy in Island Glades. Unexpectedly, this was the place I learnt so much, not only about drugs and plasters and lubricants and how to use a price-tagger (whatever you call it).

Then moving to KL, moving to an apartment (sharing with 6 other girls); it's starting to make me realise that "Hey, this IS life".

Everybody has to learn how to appreciate more, and complain less.

*deep thought*

I love you, dear, and I know you do too. One day, we will live together, and I am already looking forward to that day!

17/7

RIP, all passengers on board Malaysian Airlines flight MH17.

It crashed right at the epicenter of the conflict war zone between pro-Russian rebels and the Ukrainian government. I do think that the findings so far suggest that the rebels have mistakenly shot down the Malaysian Boeing 777.

Rest in peace, all souls. The justice shall be restored.

______________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, on a different account, Yourstruly has been busy rotting at home after course completion exactly a month ago. FINALLY got a call from a desired place! :D

I will update you soon about the job.

6/6

In 3 blinks of the eyes (just to be less dramatic), I will be finishing my tertiary education in AIMST; graduating.

I have another 2 more exam weeks to go, until then, brace yourselves!

Mentally sent off my girl to UK, hope she's doing fine so far. <3 p="">
To be honest, I'm still quite anxious to bring The Special One back home for introduction. The whole idea still seems pretty much, scary.

I hope all goes fine: I get a good job, find a good piano teacher, get a good part time job, the family meeting goes fine..

I love you, and I thank you for being here always. <3 p="">

12/5

Almost a month in, and I'm back for a while.

Hi, just came back from meal at a Korean place, nice food, nice kids around. Sorry for the dizzy spell, I thought I could control that.

Sometimes, I think I'm rather stupid, yes, stupid. As I look back into my recent past, I do think that at some instances I really couldn't be any dumber than dumb. I'm so sorry if I have hurt or offended you in any way.

Personal grudges are stupid, so I don't really hold grudges, but unfortunately, quite unfortunately, my memory has a certain power, still. So if somebody has done something quite offensive to me in the past, sorry, you're etched.

And now I see why it's so hard for me to think that I'm forgiven.

Gah.