Looking at the column, you said you needed someone as much as coffee is essential to your life.
That got my heart and brain racing again.
I had no idea I'd suddenly wake up at 4 a.m.
It's been so long since we talked. The questions I wanted to ask now had become sort of redundant. The hope of "someday things will just patch up" has become something rather unreachable.
It feels like you've totally uprooted me from your life. Just like I'm some kind of weed which will just take up too much of your life, nutrients and time.
Everything I do and every conversation I have tend to subconsciously controlled. I want to look for familiarity and belonging. I want to talk to people around you, just to know how you are recently. I want to talk to them about how wonderful you are, or were.
Yet I couldn't handle the familiarity sometimes. Seeing you seeing me and then just walking away. That tears me apart. Maybe it does to you too.
Is that what you're doing?
As I lay here in my bed tonight, there is nothing except you in my thoughts. People say that there are good days and bad days. I guess now is a bad day.
I really miss you. I really still love you.
It's so hard to pen this down now. I don't know the purpose of writing this down. Showing to the world that I love? I care? I need? I want?
Twice this morning I was awoke by the same dream: you were dating a girl and getting married with her soon.
Her name was even told. I'd say that it was the surname that was not encouraged in your family, and her name is Mei Ting.
Your mum approves and said she has a pretty name.
She's prettier than me, taller than you, slimmer than me and smarter I guess. Most of all, she's gentler than I am.
I saw the girl too, whom you liked before we met.
I guess it's just impossible now to be cold hearted towards you.
If you're here, just read what I have to say.
It's about a month now since we parted.
So weird to know that I have to be apart from you.
Yes, I do agree that every couple has their ups and downs.
Yes, I do agree that everyone has their ups and downs as well.
Yes, I do agree that everyone gets carried away sometimes, especially in a city where we stay.
Everyday, waking up is the most challenging. And I'm not lying when I say that you are in my dream, almost every single night.
It's challenging because the feeling is real in my dream; it's challenging because I could hold you again; it's challenging because at the end, it's so difficult to wake up.
I'm an expressive person: I always write my emotions on my face, I always sound different when I'm emotional. I think that has really affected you.
Remember that time in campus, the rainy night when you sheltered me from the rain? That night, I have decided that you would be the one I'll step into the next phase of life with, the one I'll hold onto forever.
I have to let you go cause you're in pain. I think it's not important to know exactly why. Whether you're trapped in your stresses, or if I'm not caring and considerate enough. I want you to take the time to heal yourself. I want you to take the time to be happy again. Cause knowing that you are happy inside will truly allow you to love again, and to bring happiness to people around you.
Letting go is the most difficult part cause it's saying goodbye to comfort, saying goodbye to familiarity, saying goodbye to your heart's belonging.
Ironically, this is how people learn.
I hope you realise that all of this is a process. We are both smart people, and you should know we did not say "yes" to this Ride of Life without knowing, really, that we'd make it to the end.
As much as I know that you are probably trying to "unlove" me to get over the problems in your head, there's always pasta waiting for you at my place. I pray that you will have the strength to face your fears, and you gotta know that everything can be solved, eventually.
I certainly went overboard when we talked. I am deeply sorry if my words have hurt you.
You were always my sunshine, my strength, my confidence booster. I'm sorry if I couldn't be the same for you, cause you're a much better "giver" than I am. And for that, I'm thankful. Cause who else will love my chubby cheeks, huge ass and fluffy tuft?
I always felt that sticking together with your loved one would help much in solving problems. However, I might be wrong this time, and I should have realised it earlier when you talked about having your own Soho to be your solitary spot.
You are a brilliant guy, smart, humorous, diligent and creative. Don't doubt yourself on these awesome qualities.
Koala will always wait for you.
Definitely was a crazy week! Constantly driving and so many meetings to attend, so much work to be done!
And all this is kinda helpful in slowing down my thinking process, which makes my thoughts clearer and we'll constructed.
What should I get for you for your big day?