Finding myself

It's 2.52 a.m. and I don't feel sleepy at all (though I know I'm in for a tough day tomorrow if I resist sleeping tonight)
Yours truly has been through a rather peaceful fight. Not only with the beloved, but against myself, the most.
WHO have I become? It would be bloody obvious to people around me, who have not yet found the urgency or even guts to tell me, because I'm too high up. What was I thinking?
I have become unfriendly, giving everyone the same treatment that I give to arrogant, nasty and poor-mannered customers that I deal with daily. Now I know I am wrong. I did notice it, just didn't make any effort to shake that attitude off after working hours.
I did not make enough effort to be close to people that I rarely see. Probably at most 2 times a year. I was playing too egoistic. I am sorry because I made the situation awkward and made you feel disappointed, once again. I always have the impression: it's ok la, I will see them for the rest of my life. But wrong! (STUPID ME!) How will I still be in the rest of their lives if I can even treat them well from the beginning?
Even worse, I treated you like I was a jerk. I took it for granted that you would always forgive me and ignore my flaws. I blamed you for not making effort in our relationship but guess what, I think I am to take the bigger part of the blame. Why is it that I could not have given you an answer or solution to the problem that we are facing? I think it's because I am indeed too ignorant to our problems and not working hard enough to maintain our relationship.
As a person, I realise now that I've slowly turned into a disgusting bitch. I hate it when people mess up my things, I hate it when people don't return my friendliness, I hate it most when people fake their friendliness. But come to think of it, these are around 25% of the people that I meet everyday, I have been extremely (morally) wrong to stereotype and become city-unfriendly-ugly-bitch by un-nicely treating people. Including my parents, my family and the beloved. Sorry.
Upbringing affects two people so much, too much it almost murdered our relationship. To be in another family's house and trying to take in the differences, embrace them and to accept them, is not that easy, especially when it is almost the opposite with what happens at your own home. Of course, no one side is correct, but I will try harder!
There are so many things that I think too much (or worry) about that I finally, tonight (or rather today since it's already 3.28 a.m. already haha), finally could really understand and grasp that the fact is, if I am a happy person, beloved will be a happy person, beloved's family will be a happy family and plans will just go on smoothly. So it has to go back to the basic: resetting myself to restore defaults. HAVE TO.
And it's true, most importantly, I was wrong to keep you at the centre of my life. I'm not saying that I should not, but I have been over-relying on you, beloved, and I understand now that I'm slowly suffocating you, or am already suffocating you.
Lastly, you are the one that I really consider as family. Before we met, I was sure that nobody was going to be able to effortlessly dim down my ego and pride. You came into my life as a rainbow. Of course we had hard times, but on top of it, we have had crazy good times too! And I am forever grateful of getting the chance after the stupid 1-month waiting period to exist, till now, your girlfriend. And for that, you have changed me to a better person, no lie.
I would not say that I come from a perfect family as well, but you gave me warmth, happiness and bliss that I have never felt before. Perhaps it's common to a lot of other people but I appreciate (or rather I would say, will appreciate even much more from now on) that you are by far the man that I would not want to miss, at all.
Beloved, I'm not asking you to forgive me now, I know that I have a lot of work to do: soul searching. I too, miss the times that we used to have. I hope everything will go smoothly and we will be fine.

If lovers didn’t fight,
Love would not have existed.
In love, you need to indulge in fights-
Be a little louder than usual,
Complain, argue
Cry.
Do the fiercest of things
Shut room doors randomly,
Sit alone,
Make single coffees,
Read books pretentiously,
Die out of jealousy
And go crazy
Beyond cardiac and cranial responsibilities.
And once you have released
All the anger and fury,
Love will bind you back,
Love promises to bind you back,
Stitch your pages
Into a book.
This will happen,
This needs to happen.
For,
Love
Demands
Everything.
And, everything includes both
The Good
And the Bad-
And that is why
Love is
Everything.
That is why,
When lovers fight,
The fight ends with a
Criminal
“I love you.”
And that is why,
Love is love
And not anything else.
But remember-
If lovers didn’t fight,
Love wouldn’t have existed.

— Mui aka saintbrush.com

And for that, I love you