7/6

i was thinking. deeply. of all those stuff that kept popping up these few days. lk in movies " a lot of things have happened and i seem to lose control of all things " . gosh gosh gosh.
and you replied me. AT LAST. like after 100000000000 YEARS after ive smsed you. goddamnit. is it so hard to reply me?? but hearing wat it's been like from your words is .. somewhat .. .. er .. tranquilizing. shall i say that! lol
you know just how much i miss you . HOW much. i always had flashbacks of how close both of us were. and i almost wished i never told you. but , i told you anyway. and whether you like it or not, i still like you . so much--- hahha. gosh you really gave me like fantasies and dreams and nightmares. cause i really dreamt of me commiting suicide in front of you because i couldn't take it that you are " in a relationship ". to be honest, i was like. OMFG. how on earth could you!
but then. this person in my head told me : hey he doesn't care! he doesn't care how much you miss him and love him and need him and adore him. he's happy the way his life is now. he doesnt know that you actually were a fool . he doesnt know that you cry because of him. he doesnt know he's hurt you. he doesnt know that your heart has been totally torn apart by him. nah, he doesn't know you love him.
so today, i listened to a song which quite fitted hw i was feeling.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and
I’m alone
Still
Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk awayAnd never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

p/s: i love you